Week 10 in the NFL is almost in the books…. What.. The.. Fuck! We all wait for what seems like forever. We lock down those season tickets. We clean off all the crud on the old hibachi from last season’s tailgates. We double check with the cable company that Red Zone is still on our package. We (or maybe it’s just me) spend countless hours building them draft books/rankings for our fantasy drafts. Then, in a blink of an eye, it’s fucking Week 10. Did one of you fuckers roofie me… Again? Did I take a long, Rumpelstiltskinesque nap after a vicious night of drinking during Week 1? FML… I’m sad this week, and this week’s article may be real fucking bitter. Good thing we have the games, still, to help soothe our souls!
Teams on Bye: RAVENS, CHIEFS, RAIDERS, EAGLES
Before the season began, didn’t we all envision polar opposites at the Week 10 mark for the New York Jets & Giants??? Jets (4-6) may have lost 15-10 to the FitzMagic led Bucs, yet still remain in the playoff hunt; the Giants (1-8, worst start since 1980) lost to the winless Niners 31-21. Last week, I wrote this: “Ben Mcadoo has lost his locker room and will soon lose his job” … Now you have Snacks Harrison coming out to the media and basically calling Mcadoo “a coward.” It’s a matter of minutes, not days people!
The fucking moron of the week award goes to Hue Jackson: QB draw from the 2.5 yard line with :12 before the end of the half, no timeouts… Browns walking away with no points there was disastrous!
Adam Thielen and the Vikings win Best TD Celebration of the Week with the Minnesota Leap Frog:
.@athielen19 isn’t just becoming something special.
He is something special. pic.twitter.com/aAoVbygoa7
— Minnesota Vikings (@Vikings) November 12, 2017
The Minnesota Vikings offense was en fuego vs. a hapless (surprisingly, on the day) Redskins D thanks to Case Keenum (21/29-304-4), who may be fighting to keep the starting gig with Teddy Touchdown activated this week. A once supposed defensive battle ended 38-30, Vikings. Minn moves to 7-2.
Brett Hundley (18/25-212-1) did his best Aaron Rodgers impersonation (at times, still pathetic) after both Aaron Jones and Ty Montgomery were knocked out of the game; more on Jones & Ty Monty later in the article. Davante Adams had a day as a result (5-90-1). Pack remain in the playoff hunt with win over Bears.
Seahawks/Cardinals | TNF: The Hawks may have won the battle over the Cards, thanks to two Jimmy Graham touchdowns, but they also may have lost the war (see WEEK 10 KEY INJURIES).
Saints/Bills: It was the Harold and Kumar, er.. um, I mean, Mark Ingram (21-131-3) and Alvin Kamara show. The #BillsMafia were not pleased with the Bills Run D!
DeMarco Murray (14-42-2; 4-30-1) single-handedly beats the Bengals… it’s feast or famine for DMM!
Matthew Stafford (17/26-250-3) continued to play out of this world against the lowly Browns as the Lions rolled for a 38-24 victory.
This just in, Blake Bortles Fucking Suuuuuuuucks! Oh, wait you knew that already. Does Doug Marrone know this? Why are you not force-feeding Leonard Fournette in a close game? Just move Tom Coughlin down from the front office already. Luckily for the Jags, Philip Rivers and the Chargers suck more dick than a 30-year-old porn star and love blowing games. Jacksonville wins 20-17 in ooooooh-ver-time.
Pittsburgh won a squeaker over the bomb-a-licious Colts in what should have been a rout. But in the NFL, a win’s a win.
Atlanta rolled the Zekeless Cowboys (5-4), but the true Cowboy M.I.A was Tyron Smith, as Dak Prescott was sacked EIGHT times (six by Adrian Clayborn; one shy of Derrick Thomas’s NFL record seven in a single game, 1990). Next up, Big NFC East matchup awaits in Week 11 with the 8-1 Philadelphia Eagles. Kudos to Matt Ryan for becoming the fastest man to 40,000 passing yards (151 games), besting Drew Brees (152) and the great Dan Marino (153). I’m sure Ryan also breaks land speed records in the bedroom as well (avg. 1.75 minutes/sexual encounter). “You’re a weird guy, Ace!”
Finally, the New England Patriots (6-2) visited Mile High to take on the Broncos (3-5) on Sunday Night Football. Despite playing a tough defense on the road, the G.O.A.T. did goat things (25/34-266-3; nine different targets) and Bill Belichick continued to keep us fantasy players guessing who to the fuck to play: Dion Lewis (14-55-1), Rex Burkhead (10-36; 3-27-1), James White (2-7; 3-11-1), Brandin Cooks (6-74), Danny Amendola (4-36), Phillip Dorsett (2-16), Chris Hogan (IA), Rob Gronkowski (4-74), Martellus Bennett (3-38), Dwayne Allen (1-11-1). Guess that’s how you win 270 games (regular & postseason), tying the great Tom Landry for third all-time – Don Shula: 347, George Halas, 324. Where will Bill end up???
WEEK 10 KEY INJURIES
Richard Sherman (Ruptured Achilles) – IR
Prognosis: The hyperlink above gives a comprehensive breakdown of Sherman’s injury and “what it means for the NFC.”
Fantasy Impact: Seattle D/ST takes a major hit, but still startable in most formats. You may wanna grab a second D/ST just in case, especially if you are in playoff position. Feel free to hit me up on Twitter (@Robbybltz) to see who I’m on week-to-week, but the Baltimore Ravens may be available for waiver claim coming off the Bye Week.
Other Injury News
Aaron Jones (Knee)/Ty Montgomery (Ribs): Jamaal Williams MUST ADD
Rob Kelley (Ankle/Knee) will undergo an MRI on Monday. Lay claim on Samaje Perine.
Ryan Grant (Concussion)
Daniel Lasco (NO-RB; Spine Injury): Scary stuff here
Adam “Pacman” Jones aka Big Vagina (Concussion)
Devonta Freeman (Concussion)
Sean Lee (Hamstring… fucking again!)
Joe Haden (Fibula Fracture): five-six week recovery
NOTABLE ROOKIE PERFORMANCES
~Austin Ekeler College Highlights, courtesy of Western State Mountaineers
Austin Ekeler (10-42; 5-77-2)
Alvin Kamara (12-106-1; 5-32)
C.J. Beathard (19/25-288-2; 5-15-1)
DeShone Kizer (21/37-232-1; 7-57-1)
Mitchell Trubisky (21/35-297-1)
JuJu Smith-Schuster (5-97-1)
WEEKLY STAT LEADERS (HEADING INTO MONDAY NIGHT)
Miami Dolphins @ Carolina Panthers (Bank of America Stadium, 8:30 EST): Devin Funchess now has the “Top Dawg” spot with Kelvin Benjamin changing zip codes.Last week, he caught 5/7 for 86 yards in a more challenging situation than he faces this week; Miami is ranked 30th in Pass DVOA. Cordrea Tankersley and Xavien Howard, on the outside, can be SAWFT at times, and I believe Funchess will eat! It will all depend if Cam Newton has the time to throw the ball, rather than picking up the first with his legs or picking his punk ass off the turf. I expect this to be a low scoring Monday Night snoozefest and will be watching RAW instead!
Carolina Panthers win 19-10
Panthers -9 O/U 38.5 (Too close to call with this line, so just play the under as I smell a push with a Panther safety of the forever immobile Jay Cutler)
Vegas Team Totals: Dolphins – 14.75, Panthers – 23.75
Fantasy Projections: Classless Cam makes for a fine weapon in Mon-Thurs DFS slates; he has been dropping RB2/FLEX numbers with his rush stats alone, rushing 33 times in the previous three games. However, Miami’s pass rush is no joke (No. 6, PFF) and Cam has a horrid 44.4 passer rating (3 TDs | 6 INTs) when the heat is on (37.7% of dropbacks). Pass on “No Class” and instead play a resurgent Marcus Mariota for $7,600 on FanDuel ($1,200 cheaper than Cam)! As for Christian McCaffrey and Jonathan Stewart, NO THANK YOU! Panthers can not run the damn ball, so CMAC is only worth it on DK (full PPR). With the money I’ll be saving with Mariota, I’d rather load up with Lev Bell (FD: $9,500) & DMM (FD: $5,900)/Derrick Henry (FD: $5,300). For receiving options in this game, Devante Parker.. Is.. Back! But slow your roll, as the targets in Miami are diversified like Charles Fucking Schwab. Jarvis Landry and he kill each other’s value in this low-volume/low-efficiency offense (22nd most plays per game/5.8 YPA). Plus they will have their hands full with a challenging Panthers defense who are in their home building. They are strong on all three D levels and currently ranked 5th overall in DVOA, coughing up merely 17.7 PPG (4th). Panthers are the play over Steelers, who looked porous vs. the Colts and just lost Haden, as well as Titans (12th Rush DVOA, 22nd Pass DVOA). Miami could be a nice punt, but Funchess worries me as a… Monday Night Miracle!